


zero to sixty

by achilleees



Series: five/diego UST+seduction first time fics (the best niche genre) [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Dirty Talk, Dom/sub, M/M, Sexual Tension, Sibling Incest, Under-negotiated Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 15:14:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18780829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achilleees/pseuds/achilleees
Summary: “Man, have you seen me?” said Diego. “Are you really that surprised?”Oh, Five thought.“Seems right,” said Klaus, pleased. “Other than the turtlenecks. Very hard to take you seriously as a Dom in the turtlenecks.”





	zero to sixty

**Author's Note:**

> This is like… beat-for-beat very similar to [my other Five/Diego seduction fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18329465), just from the opposite perspective. So let’s just say I hope people aren’t sick of Five/Diego UST, because I KNOW I’M NOT.
> 
> Standard set-up: Five’s body appears roughly 20 years old. Assume the apocalypse was diverted and they're back in their normal time, handwave all the plot that gets them to that point, everything is great except Ben is dead whoops.
> 
> I told someone I would write this a month ago, then I took ages to actually make myself write it, and I’m still not thrilled with it. But I figure it’s better to post something, period, than it is to just agonize over it endlessly without actually putting any effort towards improving it. Heed the tags.
> 
> For you, sweet anon!

Five sat with Catch-22 held open in one hand and a cold brew in the other, pointedly ignoring Klaus, who sat on the sofa across from him and stared raptly at his face while he read. This went on for quite some time.

By this point, Five was fairly good at ignoring Klaus. This was a life skill that everyone in their family had developed by necessity, some with more success than others.

When he finished the chapter, he closed the book and set it to the side, finally looking up at Klaus. “Well?”

Klaus smiled that beatific smile and tilted his head to the side.

“You clearly want me to ask, so I’ll bite,” said Five. “What are you staring at?”

“Just admiring your face,” said Klaus.

“If you start talking about my cock-sucking lips…”

“Whoa, zero to sixty!” Klaus said. “And I was just admiring your big brown eyes!” He hesitated. “Though, to be fair, your mouth is _insane_ , I bet you could fit a tennis ball in there.”

“Klaus,” said Five, rolling his eyes.

“Possibly a tennis ball can. Back me up, Ben.”

“Ben’s ignoring you,” Five said.

Klaus pouted. “How did you know?”

“Because he’s been putting up with your ass too long to enable this bullshit.”

Klaus wrinkled his nose. “For your information, Ben is emphatically agreeing with me. There are lewd hand gestures. He’s going on at length about your purdy lips. Now he’s making the blowjob gesture and making these really wet smacking noises –”

“Don’t worry, Ben, I don’t believe him,” Five said.

Klaus wrinkled his nose more. “If you guys actually knew what a tool Ben really was, you’d feel stupid for gaslighting me for this long.”

Five picked up his book. “Seriously, did you want something before I go?”

Klaus heaved a sigh, lounging cat-like on the opposite sofa, taking up an incredible amount of space for how skinny he was. “I really was just admiring your looks. I was considering sketching you, and then I was wondering exactly how old your current body actually is, and then I was wondering whether it would be more appropriate for you to fuck a 20-year-old or a 60-year-old, and then –”

“Zero to sixty,” Five said dryly. “I like that you said that like it was the only logical leap.”

“So do you?” said Klaus.

“Do I what?”

“Fuck 20-year-olds or 60-year-olds?” Klaus said frankly. “It must be awkward either way. At least you’re not 13 anymore, that must have been _miserable_.”

“I don’t fuck,” Five said.

Klaus gave another great sigh from deep in his lungs. “I was afraid you were going to say that.”

“Because it matters so much?”

“It’s just sad,” said Klaus. “It’s one thing to die a virgin when you’re actually 20, but the fact that you’ve been given a second chance with that pretty face and you’re going to waste it again? Someone call the EPA, because this is a gross misuse of natural resources.”

Klaus was so weird. “It’s not that I haven’t considered it,” said Five, baited into the conversation. “It all just seems so unnecessarily labor-intensive for something I can’t imagine enjoying.”

“Sex?” Klaus said, disbelieving. “Yeah, having your dick sucked is basically one level up from having your fingernails ripped out. Honestly, it’s amazing the human race has propagated as long as it has.”

Five flipped him off. “I can get myself off if I want to. I know my body better than some stranger I pick up in a club. And this way, I don’t have to deal with their shit in the process.”

“Wait, can we segue this conversation into detailed descriptions of how your sex life with Delores – Ow!” Klaus said, when Five threw a paperweight at him. “I was just curious!”

“No.”

“Fine, fine,” said Klaus. “Anyway, that’s all well and good, but there are certain things you can’t do for yourself.”

“You would be surprised at how many ways a person can masturbate,” Five said. 45 years in the apocalypse – he knew how to play his own body like a damn harp.

“Oh, come on,” said Klaus. “Blowjobs.”

“Fleshlights.”

“Not the same, but point taken. Choking.”

“Auto-erotic asphyxiation.”

Klaus leaned forward a little. “Rimjobs.”

Five hesitated. “Granted,” he said.

“Bondage, spanking, edging, cock and ball torture.”

“This is telling me more than I ever wanted to know about your kinks.”

“Dom/sub,” said Klaus.

“I don’t really…” said Five.

“Oh, honey,” said Klaus pityingly.

 

Five had heard of Dom/sub, but only insofar as he had found some 10,000 copies of that awful _50 Shades of Grey_ book in the burnt-out shells of secondhand shops throughout the country. He’d read it, because he read everything he could get his hands on during the apocalypse, but he certainly hadn’t enjoyed it.

According to the internet, those books were not an accurate reflection of Dom/sub culture.

According to the internet, Five was a total sub.

Oh, his behaviors were certainly more aligned to the dominance dimension from the surface – he was bossy and bitchy and take-charge and independent and he didn’t like being ordered around by lesser men.

Which was the thing, of course. He’d been 45 years alone in the barren wastes fighting for his own survival, depending only on his own grit and wits and sheer, dumb luck. Then he’d fallen in with an organization that hadn’t deserved his loyalty, _then_ he’d come back to the past in order to herd the erratic, overpowered cats known as the Umbrella Academy towards a common goal that only he could engineer. It was a lot of pressure on one man, one boy – one distinguished professional in schoolboy shorts.

Could anyone blame him for wanting to… submit, for once in his life? To obey, to serve? For once in his miserable existence, _not_ to be in control? Just imagining it made his stomach swoop pleasantly.

To kneel before a deserving hand and let himself be taken care of.

The _deserving hand_ part, of course, was the tricky bit.

 

“God, you’re a pretty little slut, aren’t you?” slurred the man in the club bathroom, pushing him against the stall divider, making the whole thing creak on its hinges. “Open up.” He tapped his fingers to Five’s cheek.

 _Or what_ , was Five’s first thought, so he asked it.

The man stared at him in open uncertainty.

“Seriously, what happens if I don’t?” Five said.

The man pulled back a little, his expression losing its hunger, bravado faltering. “Look, man, you’re the one who came to me.”

Evidently, Five was not displaying proper submissive behavior. “I’m just clarifying the parameters of the encounter,” he said. Consciously, he recognized the sulky Robot Boy mannerisms that anyone in his family would have mocked him for.

“Sure, uh, we can negotiate our kinks,” said the guy. “You want me to punish you when you don’t obey?”

Five considered this. It was an intriguing idea – punishment as the obvious complement to praise, and he genuinely wasn’t sure which would be more effective on his psyche. “How?”

“Spanking?”

“No,” said Five, remembering being caned as a child for mouthing off to Reginald. Even he knew better than to bring that up in a club bathroom with a one-night stand, though.

“I could bruise you up?” said the guy with even less certainty.

“Could you cut me?” Five said.

The guy blanched.

Five wasn’t sure he _wanted_ him to, he just wanted a sense of what his options were, what capabilities this guy had. Whether his life was truly cradled in this man’s palm, and whether Five trusted it to be.

“Dude, I’m not – no,” said the guy. “I’m not going to cut you. In the _bathroom_.” He ran his hand through his hair. “Look…”

“Yeah, sorry to waste your time,” Five said, patting his shoulder. “Better luck with the next pretty little slut.”

The guy stared at him, and Five slipped out of the bathroom stall and went to find someone else whose hands wouldn’t shake when they had them at his throat.

 

“If I had to wager a guess,” he told Delores, undressing for bed that night, “it’s a Competency Kink mixed with submissive tendencies, which might be a difficult combination.”

He scratched his nose. “Yes, particularly considering how many people I’ve killed. I’m difficult to impress.”

“That’s not arrogant, it’s _fact_. Whatever, I don’t need to hear it.”

“Yes, I’ll figure something out.” Now that he had started this, he wanted to see it through. He didn’t like the idea of just dropping the matter when he felt he was so tantalizingly close to something _good_.

“Fine,” he huffed.

Delores could be truly unsupportive sometimes.

 

People who fancied themselves to be Doms, Five found, did not like being laughed at.

They liked even less having their fingers bent back when they tried to spank him as punishment.

Go figure.

 

He spent a few weeks buzzing with a restive, directionless energy, coiled under his skin with no outlet. He spent more time jerking off than he ever had before, which he felt was somewhat counterproductive when the intention of this whole thing had been exploring good sex with other people.

Then, one day, he was headed to the kitchen when he heard Diego’s voice asking something that included the words ‘Dom/sub’ and ‘siblings’ in it, and he froze.

He crept closer to the door, listening intently past the thundering of his heart.

“Yes, that was me,” Klaus replied. “You know I don’t care enough to clear the browser history.”

“Oh,” said Diego, audibly surprised. “I figured Luther and Allison were getting into some kinky shit. You know she’s got him licking those four-inch Louboutins of hers.”

“Yes, that would have made more sense,” Klaus said, as if to himself.

“What?” said Diego.

“Nothing!” said Klaus.

Five was grateful to Klaus for covering for him, but simultaneously a little irritated that he couldn’t pull it off better. It just wasn’t that hard, Klaus.

“Frankly, I’m shocked you know what a Louboutin is,” Klaus said. There was a beat pause. “Just to check, what do you think a Louboutin is?”

“Fuck off,” Diego said. “They’re those red heels, I know what they are. Eudora had a shoe thing, she liked stilettos.”

“Oh-ho!” said Klaus, and Five could picture the way he was leaning forward with that intent gleam in his eyes. “Speaking of Dom/sub! Did she walk across your back in heels? Wear a matching corset? Were there whips? Chains?”

“Zero to fucking sixty, as always,” Diego said, making a groaning sound. “Not that I should be encouraging you by actually answering this bullshit, but no, she wasn’t my fucking mistress.”

“Aw, so no Dom/sub?” said Klaus. He sounded genuinely disappointed.

“Not… with Eudora,” said Diego. _He_ sounded like he wished he’d never started this conversation.

Five could often relate to that for any given conversation with Klaus, but in this moment he was very curious where this discussion was headed.

“Go on…?” Klaus said.

“Man, have you seen me?” said Diego. “Are you really that surprised?”

 _Oh_ , Five thought.

“Seems right,” said Klaus, pleased. “Other than the turtlenecks. Very hard to take you seriously as a Dom in the turtlenecks.”

“You can fuck right off,” Diego said.

“The leather harness brings it back though,” Klaus said, undaunted. “ _Hello_ , Knife Daddy.”

“You’re the worst person I know,” said Diego.

This was another sentiment Five could relate to, but again… in that moment, he was more than grateful for Klaus’s nosiness, with this new epiphany in mind.

 

All of that restive, unfocused energy? It was now _very_ focused, on the rough stubble and talented hands and rumbling voice of one Diego Hargreeves.

No regrets.

 

“Hi, Diego,” Five said, encountering Diego in the hallway. Not that he’d been waiting impatiently for him to leave the kitchen.

“Hey,” said Diego. “You need something?”

Five made a show of tilting his head. “Not sure,” he said, finally. “Can I let you know?”

Diego shot him a weird look. “…Sure,” he said.

Five smirked at him, and Diego was so distracted staring at him with a furrowed brow that he clipped his shoulder into the wall while he was rounding the corner.

Seemed like a good sign, Five decided.

 

It was, Five thought, the cliché-est of clichés. But hey, don’t fix what ain’t broke, right?

Not that he knew if it was working. He couldn’t bring himself to look up and meet Diego’s eyes as he sucked on a popsicle, but he _hoped_ Diego was watching.

He’d gone with cherry, faintly remembering that Diego preferred the red-flavored candies – Starbursts, Skittles, Jolly Ranchers. Five really didn’t like sweet things that much, which made it easy to take his time with this, letting it rest absently against his lower lip as he read the newspaper, tucking it in his mouth against his cheek when he needed both hands to fold up the crossword.

Of course, this seemed less brilliant when the red liquid dripped down his fingers, winding in sticky trails over his knuckles. Five gave an irritated noise and switched the popsicle into his other hand, cleaning himself up with his tongue, annoyed when the popsicle just started leaking all over that hand instead.

This may not have been his most genius idea, in retrospect.

“Are you having trouble?” Luther asked.

“I don’t answer stupid questions,” Five said, giving another huff as he juggled the popsicle around, trying to lick himself clean before it could ooze all over him again.

“I’m not sure it’s a stupid question,” said Luther. “You really seem to be having trouble.”

“If it _really seems_ that way, then why bother asking,” Five muttered, scowling down at the popsicle, which had really backfired on him. He lapped his tongue at the base, trying to steam the leakage at the source, lips and tongue sticky.

“For God’s sake,” Diego said, grabbing the popsicle out of his hand and enveloping the entire thing into his mouth, one smooth slide, until his lips were sealed around the stick at the base.

Five stared.

“I,” he said.

Diego slid it out slowly with a long, cheek-hollowing sucking sound. He handed the popsicle back to Five, dryer for it, no longer leaking.

His lips were stained cherry-red, full and gorgeous, and Five’s entire brain went blank.

“Might want to work up from lollipops, chief,” said Diego, and walked out of the kitchen, leaving Luther bemused and Five hard and yearning in his seat.

 

Diego didn’t make the seduction campaign easy, mostly because he was never around. After that show with the popsicle, though, Five was determined all over again to make it happen.

The Dom/sub thing was just one part of it. But Diego was also just… ridiculously hot, and the more Five thought about his hands, the more he wanted them on him in whatever capacity he could get.

If only Diego would come back to the Academy more often instead of hiding away in his basement torture-dungeon at the boxing ring. After some deliberation, Five started dropping obvious hints to Luther that the team needed more family bonding sessions.

He would have tried to get Klaus involved, because Diego was more inclined to listen to Klaus than Luther, but Klaus was canny enough to unravel exactly why Five wanted Diego around, and then Five would have to commit murder-suicide to escape the torrents of mockery. Better to just leave it to Luther.

The big lunk might have been more effective than he gave him credit for, anyway, because Five left his room only two days later and ran right into Diego in the hall.

“Oh,” he said. “You’re here.”

“Number One wants us to bond,” said Diego, rolling his eyes and making to go around him. “I hope that means poker night, I will wipe the floor with him.”

“Will you?” Five said.

He didn’t mean it as an insult, not really, but Diego’s eyes narrowed and he paused. “You don’t think I could?”

Five shrugged, thrilled to have Diego’s attention, determined to keep it. “Poker requires a phlegmatic countenance. You’ve never excelled at that.”

“A what?”

“You do read, don’t you?” Five said.

“Just because I’m not a pretentious fuck…”

“Indeed, the Hemingway to my Faulkner,” said Five, reaching up and patting his cheek.

“Spell that one out for me,” Diego said.

“In common parlance, I know bigger words than you do,” said Five.

Diego growled and shoved him back against the wall – so easily riled up, Diego, and maybe Five had wanted that. Maybe he wanted nothing more than to be thrown around by those ridiculous arms, manhandled into position, made to obey.

Diego’s hands on his throat would be an actual threat. Diego, he knew, had killed before, and artfully.

But once Diego had him against the wall, his expression lost its fury and he went strangely hesitant, like he didn’t know what to do when he had Five there. Five knew from watching Diego with Luther that he had no qualms shoving around his brothers –

But he’d never had Five trapped before, because Five normally would have teleported away. Which Five knew, and more importantly, which Diego knew.

The look of dawning realization, of the inkling of an idea stirring to life behind those dark eyes, was intoxicating.

Almost as intoxicating as the obvious difference in size between them, how dwarfed Five was by his frame. Five couldn’t help but picture how easily Diego could heft the entirety of his weight in his arms.

“You’re being a brat on purpose,” said Diego, finally.

Five’s mouth went dry. He hadn’t expected it to come to a head this soon. “Am I?”

“You tell me,” Diego said, shaking him a little.

“I think that would depend on your definition of brat,” said Five.

Diego snorted.

Five licked his lips, and he was sure Diego’s eyes flickered down to watch. “Why would –”

“Like it’s really a surprise, you’ve always been a little shit,” Diego said, a little too loudly, letting go of him all of a sudden and backing off. “I gotta change before scheduled fun and games time.” He walked away.

Five crossed his arms, glaring at his departing body.

 

It was, Five had to admit, _very_ satisfying to steadily win all of Diego’s chips in the course of the evening.

 

When Five entered the library, Vanya was pasting Luther at speed chess, which was always entertaining. Five would have drifted over to watch, except Diego was lying stretched out on the couch with an open book covering on his face, and that was infinitely more of a draw.

He wasn’t asleep, because his left hand was flexing in some repetitive motion that was causing a continuous chiming noise. Five settled to a seat on the floor by his shoulder, watching. He knew Diego knew he was there from the way he tensed.

“What are you doing?” Five asked.

“Meditating,” Diego said, muffled into the book.

“Is that a joke?”

“No.”

Five leaned in, looking at the contents of his shifting hand. He had three silver balls in his palm and he was rotating them in steady circles, none of them making contact with each other.

“Baoding balls,” said Diego, as if he had asked. “To improve dexterity.”

“You seem dexterous enough,” Five said, lightly touching the back of Diego’s hand.

Diego spasmed so that the balls clacked together and went still.

“Ugh, thank you,” said Vanya. “That sound features in my personalized 1984 torture chamber.”

“I was here first,” Diego said.

“This is where the chess board is,” Vanya said.

“So kicking Luther’s ass trumps the 1984 torture chamber experience?” Diego said. “Guess I can’t argue with that.”

“I might win,” said Luther. “I’m feeling good about this time.”

Vanya patted his hand.

Five took one of the silver balls from Diego’s hand, surprised by its weight and warmth.

“I was using that,” Diego said.

“Yes,” agreed Five, and took the other two also, cradling all three in his palm and trying unsuccessfully to recreate the rotation Diego had managed so smoothly.

In a flash, Diego turned his now-empty hand and wrapped his fingers around Five’s wrist.

Five immediately went still.

Diego pulled the book off his face with his right hand, turning his head to look Five in the eye. He worked his jaw, gaze visibly sharpening.

In the back of his mind, Five was aware that Vanya and Luther were still in the room, but nothing penetrated the thick fog of his mind, frozen in that moment by nothing more than the strength of Diego’s fingers around his wrist.

So this was that headspace they all talked about.

“I was using those,” Diego murmured.

“Yes, you were,” Five said, dimly aware of the breathiness in his voice. He worked his hand again, trying to rotate the three balls.

“Too advanced,” said Diego, watching his hand. “You need to start with two.”

“If I were Klaus, I’d make the obvious joke.”

“Good thing you’re not Klaus,” Diego said.

Five hummed in agreement. Still trying to get it right, he fumbled the metal balls so that one of them dropped to the floor, both of them giving a guilty start at the heavy clang of it hitting the ground.

“Must you?” sighed Vanya.

Diego dropped Five’s wrist abruptly. “I’m headed out anyway,” he said, taking all three balls back and shaking his head at Five like he was an unruly child.

Which was, no lie, kind of a turn-on.

 

Desperate times called for desperate measures, and Five was getting fucking desperate.

Diego had come to dinner, as he usually did when Allison was in town. He’d even spent the whole day there, rolling in sometime mid-morning and doing his best to fry Five’s brain by sparring with Luther in a thin tank top and loose shorts.

By the time dinner came around, Five had decided it was time to go nuclear. He slipped into Diego’s room after he’d headed down, digging around in his laundry basket and checking over his shoulder to make sure no one saw him.

When he walked into the kitchen wearing Diego’s tank top atop his own slacks, he could see the moment Diego realized by the way his pupils dilated.

The tank top was still a little damp with sweat at the underarms and down the back – a little gross, a little sexy. It was too big for Five, falling loose around his collar bones, one strap drooping over his shoulder.

If this didn’t clue Diego in, Five wasn’t sure what would.

“Wow, Five, that’s a new look for you,” said Allison helpfully. “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you dressed down like this before.”

“I had a yen,” Five said.

“I miss the halcyon days of little Number Five in his schoolboy uniform,” sighed Klaus. “Where have all the flowers gone, I ask you?”

“He still wears prep shit on the reg, it’s not like he looks any less like a fratboy in training in his cable-knit sweaters and chinos,” Diego said. His voice was just a little rough, which was delightful.

“I look good in sweaters and chinos,” Five said.

“You could probably give up on the sweater vests, though,” said Allison. “Just a thought.”

“I’ll take that into consideration,” Five said, thumbing at the strap of Diego’s tank top. “I’m always looking for new fashion tips.”

Klaus perked up, opening his mouth.

“Not from you, Klaus,” said Five.

Klaus heaved a forlorn sigh.

“What about you, Diego?” Five said. “You think I make this look work?” He leaned back, biting his lip and subtly tugging at the bottom hem of the tank top to draw it tight over the contours of his lean body.

Diego rested his elbows on the table. “I think if you really worked it, you wouldn’t need to ask,” he said, smirking.

“Be nice,” Luther said, oblivious.

“I do alright,” said Five.

“You do,” Diego said, gaze dropping to his exposed collar bones.

Allison cleared her throat. “So, since Vanya couldn’t make it, should we start eating?” she said brightly.

“Let’s,” Diego said, leaning back in his seat.

 

“Soo,” Klaus said, slinking into Five’s bedroom.

Five knew that tone of voice, and he knew that nothing good was going to come out of this conversation. He debated the pros and cons of just teleporting away.

Might as well hear it out, he decided. “Yes?”

Klaus sat on the end of Five’s bed. “Saw you at Paradise the other night.”

“You’ve been holding onto that for a while, hm?” Five said. He hadn’t been to Paradise for ages, not since he’d started fixating on Diego instead.

“Honestly, I forgot about it until now,” said Klaus. “ _Sooo_.”

“Is that a question?”

“What happened to _sex is too labor-intensive, I’d rather auto-erotically asphyxiate myself in the privacy of my own home_?”

Five flipped a page. “Let’s just say I’ve been trying something out.”

Klaus leaned forward a little. “Something? Does that something have anything to do with Diego finding browser search histories for Dom/sub on the computer?”

Five pressed his lips together. “It… might.”

“And?” Klaus said, leaning forward even more.

“Thus far, disappointing,” said Five. “I was hoping for something better.”

“It’s all about finding the right partner,” Klaus said wisely.

“Oh, is _that_ what I’ve been doing wrong?” Five said, rolling his eyes.

“Have you tried actually going to a fetish club, or are you just trawling for like-minded normies at regular clubs?” Klaus said, ignoring him. “Because you’re much likelier to succeed if you put yourself into position for it. Did Sir Reginald’s lessons teach you nothing?”

“That’s not really the point,” said Five.

“Then what is?”

He didn’t have an answer for that. No part of him wanted to talk about his failed seduction of Diego to _Klaus_. That was his 1984 torture chamber.

“Fine, be that way,” Klaus said. “But I maintain you really have to put in a good-faith effort before giving up on the idea, because I think kinky sex would be a great outlet for you, you anal-retentive boss bitch.”

Five considered relieving Klaus of the misconception that Five was in the Dom position here, but why bother? “Believe me, I’ve put in a good-faith effort,” he said dryly. “How many dicks do I have to suck before I can say definitively that it’s not my thing?”

“We’re not talking about dick-sucking, we’re talking about –”

“I meant it euphemistically,” said Five.

“You didn’t mean it euphemistically, we’re literally discussing your sex life,” Klaus said. “You can’t bring up dick-sucking in a convo about your sex life and say it’s allegorical. It ain’t allegorical. It’s literal as _balls_ , man.”

“Allegory and euphemism are not the same thing.”

“If you think I don’t recognize this as you clearly changing the subject to distract me, you are wrong,” Klaus announced. “Also, discussion of semantics are only distraction bait for you, nerd-boy.”

“Granted,” Five said. “Will you please leave? I was really enjoying not having you blithering at me and I’d like to get back to it.”

“Fiiine,” Klaus said, rolling languorously out of bed. “But this is not over, my friend! This is not –” He opened the door and yelped. “Jesus, how long have you been standing there? You aren’t actually fucking Batman, I hope you know.”

Five went tense. _Diego_. He looked past Klaus’s body into the hallway, and Diego was looking back at him, eyes dark, expression intent.

“Just got here,” said Diego. “I caught the tail end.”

“Suure,” said Klaus with a snort. “Pervert.” He squeezed past Diego and sauntered off down the hallway.

Five stared at Diego, certain that he had not only caught the tail end.

Diego dropped his eyes to Five’s lips, then dragged them back up to his eyes. He blinked once, slowly. Then he curled half his mouth in a crooked smirk and walked down the hallway.

Five’s breath shuddered out of him, alone in his room.

 

That parting look had been an invitation, Five was sure of it. Diego may as well have handwritten him a summons to his bedroom – they both knew what was happening here, even if the words had never been spoken.

They did both know what was happening here, right? Diego was thick, but he wasn’t _that_ thick.

Fuck, Five hoped Diego knew.

Regardless, he was ready to stop playing this game, impatient to take it to the next step. So he went up to Diego’s room after dinner, nervous like he had never been before. He took detached notice of the way his body reacted to his nerves – heart pounding, palms sweating, strangely and uncomfortably aware of his every sense. So _this_ was what it was like to be normal.

It was almost anticlimactic when he stepped into the room and found Diego folding his laundry.

“Oh,” Five said, pausing in the doorway. “Hey.”

“Hey,” said Diego, not looking up. He shook out a shirt, smoothing out the creases before folding it with a few confident tucks. “S’up?”

Five pressed his lips together. Fuck you, nerves, he thought, and came into the room and shut the door. He said, “You’re really going to make me ask?”

For some reason, this made Diego smile, in a kind of pitying, indulgent way that made Five want to break something. “Ask what?”

“Bullshit, you know what,” Five said, flushing with humiliation that Diego was playing with him like this. “Don’t act like you don’t know.”

“Of course I know,” said Diego, sighing. “And the fact that you can’t bring yourself to ask is exactly why it could never work between us.”

Five blinked. “What?”

“I’m not just toying with you for my own amusement,” Diego said. “If you can’t even ask for it, it’s a sign you’re not ready for it. It’s a good rule of thumb for sex in general.”

Five’s first response was mortification. His second was anger. As usual, anger won.

“Oh, fuck off,” he said, irritation lending him candor. “If you don’t want to fuck me, fine, but don’t make up bullshit self-righteous reasons for it as justification.”

“I’m not –”

“It’s an arbitrary standard and you can’t apply it indiscriminately,” said Five. “Don’t punish me for not playing by the rules I didn’t know you were setting.”

Diego stared at him.

“Sorry, am I using too big words again?” Five said. “Should I dumb it down?”

Diego growled, expression going dark. “Fine, you want a better reason? I don’t think you could do it.”

“I could do it.”

Diego scoffed. “Bullshit, your temperament isn’t right for it. You wouldn’t know how to be good for me if I tied you down and gagged you. You’re too fucking full of yourself to submit, we both know it.”

“Try me,” said Five. He meant it to be a snide challenge, and he knew Diego would take it that way.

“Fine,” Diego bit out. “Kneel.”

Five dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes, knees jarring on the hardwood from the force. He narrowed his eyes at Diego. _Your move_.

Diego took some time looking him over. His gaze started off incredulous, but it faded into a kind of thoughtful expression. Diego had always been an expressive boy, an open book, but in that moment, Five had no idea what he was thinking.

Then he shrugged and turned away, going back to folding his laundry.

“Hey!” Five said, and Diego shot him the briefest sidelong glance, but otherwise ignored his outburst.

He matched his socks into pairs, lining them all up before tucking them into neat little balls in a pile on his bedspread. Then he folded his underwear, some dozen identical black boxer briefs, before moving onto his towels.

And all the while, Five knelt, seething.

It wasn’t comfortable, physically or mentally. The wood was hell on his knees, and he shifted a few times, trying to find a comfortable position before sitting back on his heels and accepting that he was going to be sore in the morning if he spent much more time there.

But mentally –

What was Diego even getting out of this? What kind of insane power trip…? Was this the kind of Dom he was, to humiliate his subs and leave them there to wallow in it while he dithered around obliviously? What an asshole.

Maybe Five had been wrong to come to him in the first place. Maybe he’d been fixating on a dynamic that wasn’t there, deluding himself into thinking that this itch of his would ever be scratched. Maybe Diego was just as wrong for him as any of the guys in those stupid clubs.

How much longer was Five going to debase himself here?

He straightened up onto his knees when Diego moved towards him, but Diego just walked blithely by. “Where are you going?” said Five disbelievingly.

“Second load’s finished in the dryer,” Diego said, ruffling Five’s hair playfully as he walked past and out the door.

Five stared after him, mouth open. Minutes passed, and Five’s mind was left reeling, unable to make sense of this whole stupid moment, of Diego toying with him like a jagoff when he _knew_ how hard it was for Five to be vulnerable, he _had_ to know –

He knew. He must have known.

And really, how could Diego not be getting off on this? Five was on his fucking knees for him. Diego knew exactly what he was doing to him, what he was asking him for. Knew that he had Five pliant to his every whim, even when his whims were so banal as making him kneel while he folded his laundry.

This wasn’t just a show for Diego. He was getting something out of it, he had to be. Not just about proving a point to Five, but something sexy and strange in and of itself. Making Five wait. Making him sweat.

Five casted his senses around, searching for a mental hold to clasp onto, pleased when he heard the ticking of a clock and gratefully latching on. He concentrated, letting his eyes go half-lidded, letting himself drift in the seconds punctuated by the steady tick, tick, tick.

The prior indignation dissipated, leaving a strange heady feeling in its wake. Five felt… fluid, and easy, and not entirely tethered to his body. Even the pain in his knees filtered away, or maybe he just came to like it, to like the awareness that it lent him about his own body, how oddly heavy he felt.

He didn’t even notice Diego return, not until a warm, strong hand cupped his chin and tilted his face up. Five let himself be moved, opening his eyes fully to meet Diego’s dark gaze.

“Oh, sweetheart,” said Diego lowly.

A shiver rocked through him at the nickname, but Five didn’t move, and he didn’t speak.

“You _are_ my good boy, aren’t you?” Diego said.

Five nodded, cheek rasping against Diego’s palm.

“Are you hard?”

Five found, to his surprise, that he was. Sometime without realizing it, his cock had filled in his slacks. And now that he was aware, the sensation was a torment, chafing in his briefs, every slight shift an agonizing tease. “ _Yes_.”

“Touch yourself,” Diego said.

Five scrambled to undo the zipper of his slacks, shoving them down enough to pull out his leaking cock, getting a hand around it with a relieved groan. He jerked himself off brutally hard, eased by the precome leaking from the tip.

Diego was smiling, but the look in his eyes was one Five had never seen, intense, almost blazing. “God, just look at you,” he murmured, tracing his thumb over Five’s lower lip. “You’re such a pretty little twink. Those men must have been falling down with gratitude that you even gave them a second look.”

Five didn’t know if he wanted a response, but he got his answer soon enough when Diego slipped his thumb into his mouth, pressing down firmly on the flat of his tongue. His skin was warm and salty, and saliva immediately flooded Five’s mouth.

Five stared up into Diego’s dark eyes while he worked his own cock, bewitched and strangely terrified that Diego would look away. Suddenly it seemed like the most important thing in the world, that Diego not break his gaze.

Diego didn’t, though, eye contact unfaltering as he stroked Five’s messy hair from his eyes with his other hand. “You have any idea how pretty you look like this, sweetheart? Your whore mouth was made for this. Can’t wait until I get those slutty lips stretched around my cock.”

“Please,” Five managed around Diego’s thumb, spit leaking out around the corners. His entire body felt alight with need. “Let me –”

“Next time,” Diego said soothingly. “Next time I’ll let you suck my dick for as long as you want. You’re gonna get used to how it feels in your mouth, I promise.”

Five moaned, orgasm coiling, so close to coming, just from this – from his fucking hand on his cock, nothing he hadn’t felt before, but somehow so much better. He’d never been this turned on in his life.

Which was why he nearly cried when Diego said, “Hands behind your back, sweetheart.”

But he did it, all the same. He moved his hands behind his back, twisting them together brutally hard, cock _aching_ in the open air. His mind was a mess of static, conscious only of his insurmountable need to come.

But he obeyed.

“You’re so good,” said Diego, visibly pleased, those beautiful dark eyes curving with it. “I never knew you could be this good, Five.”

Five channeled his need onto Diego’s thumb, laving his tongue over it and sucking hard, still meeting his gaze directly.

Diego laughed. “You’re never going to be spineless, though. I like that. You wouldn’t be you if you just rolled over for it like a doormat. Sometimes, I imagine, I’m going to have to _make_ you take it. But I bet you like that.”

Five whimpered.

“Yeah, you’ll like that,” said Diego. “You’re going to love it when I slam you against the wall and stuff you full of cock. Or when I make you beg for it before I let you fuck yourself on it. God, you’re going to be such a _needy_ little twink, aren’t you?”

Five bit down on his thumb, just a little.

“Aw, you don’t think I’m being nice enough?”

Five stared up at him in open incredulity. His cock was still diamond hard and leaking, he was tremblingly close to falling apart, and Diego was just standing there and dirty talking him like an asshole, as if Five could take much more of this, as if he wasn’t precariously close to – something.

“I never said you couldn’t make yourself come,” Diego said. “Just that you couldn’t use your hands for it.”

It took Five a moment to realize, and then a flush of heat coursed through him and his eyelids fluttered.

“Do it.”

Feeling stupid and embarrassed and weirdly turned on by it, Five shuffled closer and rolled his hips forward, bare cock pressed against Diego’s shin. It shouldn’t have been hot, it wasn’t hot – except it totally was, and even that contact was enough to make his eyes roll back.

“So pretty,” Diego said, winding his fingers through Five’s hair and forcing his head back, pressing his thumb further back on this tongue and making his throat convulse. “So good for me, sweetheart. You’re gonna look just as slutty-pretty for me when you take my cock, aren’t you?”

Five rolled his hips faster, chasing his release, feeling like he was going to combust if he didn’t get to come soon. His fingers were going numb from how hard he had them woven together behind his back.

“Soon,” crooned Diego, “you’re going to forget what it was ever like to not have my cock inside you.”

Five came his fucking brains out, spilling in long pulses all over Diego’s pants. His chin was sloppy with spit, dripping off Diego’s hand. His knees and fingers ached, sensation tingling with pinpricks when he flexed them.

He felt fucking _incredible_.

“Oh, angel-babe,” Diego said, stroking his hair as Five panted and slumped against his leg, letting it take his weight. “I’m going to take such fucking good care of you.”

Five smiled, pressing a kiss to Diego’s palm.

 

“Well, this is adorable,” said Klaus when he encountered them in the hallway, Diego carrying Five piggyback. “Where are you two going?”

Diego grunted. “I told Five I was heading out, and he asked me to drop him off at the library on the way, and I told him no, and he decided he’d gone temporarily deaf, so I said no again more emphatically, which was not a satisfactory answer for him, so now I guess I have a limpet.”

“It’s not that far out of your way,” Five said, hooking his chin over Diego’s shoulder.

“I already said I would, you don’t need to put me in another chokehold to convince me,” Diego said, hitching Five up into a more comfortable carry, hands under his thighs.

“Ooh, I’m coming,” Klaus said.

“To the library?” said Five, incredulous.

“Or at least the vicinity,” said Klaus blithely. “Shotgun!” He bolted out the front door.

“Yeah, we’ll see how that works for you,” Five said under his breath, and Diego chuckled.

By the time Klaus got outside, Five had made himself comfortable in the front passenger seat, feet kicked out of the open window. He grinned at Klaus.

“Teleporting is fucking cheating,” grumbled Klaus, sliding into the back. “Violating the sacred laws of shotgun. You’ll burn in hell for this.”

“Like that’s news,” Five said, tucking his hands behind his head. He smirked over at Diego when he got behind the wheel. “Punch it.”

“First, gimme back my sunglasses, brat,” Diego said, reaching to take back the Aviators that Five had stolen while teleporting off Diego’s back.

Five leaned out of Diego’s reach. “Sorry, what? I couldn’t hear you. I seem to have gone temporarily deaf.”

“You’re not as cute as you think you are,” Diego said, but he was smiling.

“Well, that’s just abjectly untrue,” said Five.

“Five’s _adorable_ ,” said Klaus. “It’s the dimples.”

“Dimple,” Diego corrected.

“What?”

“Singular,” said Diego, touching Five’s cheek.

Five leaned into the touch.

“Oh, weird,” Klaus breathed out.

Diego trailed his fingers down Five’s cheek and jaw, curling them around the back of his neck and squeezing. Which was totally unfair, because Diego how Five fucking melted whenever he did that.

True to form, Five went pliant, mouth falling open a little. He didn’t even complain when Diego lifted the sunglasses off his face and put them on himself.

“No, seriously, this is so weird,” Klaus said. “If you think we –”

“Klaus, you say another word and I’m booting you out of my car,” Diego said.

Klaus grumbled indistinctly, kicking his feet into the back of Five’s seat like an unhappy toddler.

“Yeah, well, I like him better,” Diego said, as if Klaus had asked.

Klaus made an irritable squawking sound.

Five laughed, and Diego grinned back.

**Author's Note:**

> [Still taking prompts](https://achilleees.tumblr.com/ask) though I make no promise to fill them, but if you have any great ideas for any relationship involving Diego, let me know!


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